you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
