I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You're earring is so big in my mouth
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
