The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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