Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
