If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
