Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
