I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize