I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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