Yo dont text me then not text me
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize