what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
