I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
