we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
