She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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