so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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