He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
