I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
