He told me they were just razor bumps!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
