I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
