all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You ruined the universe
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
