Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
