it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
