I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize