My entire life is one complicated drinking game
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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