Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
