Sober January is a disaster.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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