I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
