Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
