if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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