Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
