I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
