i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
