she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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