They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
