when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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