Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
