Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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