Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
