When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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