i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
