First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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