I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
