omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
