I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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