guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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