I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
This baby is an asshole
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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