my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
