I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
