when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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