Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
