1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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