I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
