Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my liver is dry heaving
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
