Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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