Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
