some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
