I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
