Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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