He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
