I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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