ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
