He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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