You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
