My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
