she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
