someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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