Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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