I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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