So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
