when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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